Indy Parent Help Blog

As a child advocate, parent coach & ESE support staff employee, raising children has taken on a different dimension for me. After completing my parenting course, I’m discovering that for all of my worthy parenting skills and techniques, I’m re-thinking my methods. I’m not going to beat myself on the head over ‘what I could have done differently.’ Instead I’m dedicating this article to all child raisers in the hopes of creating a less stress filled, more impactful relationship with your child/ren. It’s not rocket science but, in my opinion, it is an empowering discovery. It’s a way of communicating with your child/ren to empower them to recognize the self-worth they are deserving of. It’s a way of communicating with your child/ren that will empower YOU to be effective, guilt-free and stress-free.

What I’ve learned is that children of varying ages process our words differently than what we’re actually saying to them. Knowing that, it behooves us to learn to speak to them in a manner that will not allow them to misinterpret our words or what it is we want FOR them. We can speak to them in a manner that will put the responsibility for their behavior, actions, and feelings squarely with them. I am of the opinion that the one major common difference between a child’s self-worth and a child raiser’s self-worth is experience. Unless we help our child/ren experience what they are feeling, much of what we say goes over their heads lacking understanding. We have it within our “Parent Talk” abilities to build our child/ren’s self-worth by not yelling, judging, commanding, ordering or punishing while, all along, creating a blended, connective relationship with them.

Admittedly, ‘Parent Talk’ takes some practice. Using visual aids like sticky notes with recommended verbiage posted on the fridge can help, as can a ‘think twice, speak once’ approach to responding to their needs. At any rate, it’s worth the effort.

Some examples of effective ‘Parent Talk’ adapted from author Chick Moorman are:

• Using “usually” and “most of the time” instead of “always” and “never” gives you more credibility and your child more confidence. Children know at some level that always/never statements are not true. Even in a positive sense “You never give up” or “I can always count on you” will, more often than not, be processed by the child as untrue. Sometimes they do give up or occasionally they are not dependable. Instead, “I can usually depend on you to finish your chores.” or “Most of the time, I can count on you to be on time” allows the child to experience the feelings of responsibility and dependability” Save always and never for those instances when they are accurate descriptors like “I’ll always love you;” or “I’ll never, intentionally, hurt your feelings.
• “Sounds like you have a problem” and “I know you can handle it” are just two phrases you can use in your Parent Talk vocabulary to keep the responsibility for the solution to the problem with the child, where it belongs. “Sounds like you have a problem” is very helpful when kids tattle. When children realize that they own the responsibility for solving their own problems, they take the first step towards the resolution.
• Use “I know you can handle it” when circumstances appear overwhelming to the child. Using these parent talk phrases as a routine form of support and encouragement will remind you not to rescue children and allow them to struggle with and solve their own problems while teaching them problem solving skills. It also communicates your respect for the child’s ability to manage their own life.

Hodding Carter said a lot when he was quoted “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children; One is Roots; the other is Wings.” Let’s explore this a little further. How do we give our children ‘ROOTS?” We know that a tree’s roots go deep down into the earth. So then, we must also go deep within our child to give them their roots (family foundation) Allowing them to experience their choices helps them go deep within themselves recognizing their self-worth. It begins as early as the day they determine what is good for them. It’s up to us to see that that ‘good for them’ feeling is given to them by showing interest in what they’re feeling. I’m of the opinion that showing interest is a long term benefit vs. paying attention-a short term interest . Paying attention to your child can be interpreted as an immediate reaction-just touching the surface, whereas showing interest in your child gives them the sense of purpose and belonging (roots) that builds their self worth. We show interest by stopping what we are doing at the moment and look into the child’s eyes with an earnestness that reflects our interest in what s/he has to say.

How do we give our children ‘WINGS?” To me, “Wings” are symbolic of freedom and independence. Freedom of choice and independence to soar above the norm. I firmly believe that the spirit of a child is beyond borders. There are, of course, boundaries of freedom and independence, based on family values. It is up to us as parents to set the boundaries without the child realizing s/he is bound. Again, showing interest in our child’s choices helps the child feel free and independent. What greater gifts can we give our child/ren than self-worth, freedom and independence?

Rewards & Punishment. Can this be a double edged sword? Does providing a child with material rewards for good behavior, good grades, and good performance produce a better self worth in your child? There are many experts who feel that rewarding children for something they choose to do naturally, is an insult to the child’s emotional intelligence. Other experts argue that rewarding children for good deeds teaches children to do things for the reward. In either case a decision to reward/punish a child should not cloud the child’s reason for doing good/or bad. The child knows when s/he is doing something good. In fact, rewarding the child for doing good can be interpreted by the child as manipulation.

Examples:

• “If you behave, I’ll give you some candy”
• ‘If you help mommy, I’ll buy you a special toy”
• “If you get a [hit, goal, touchdown, win], we’ll stop for some ice cream”
• “If you get good grades I’ll give you money”

The child, in most cases, will be working for the reward and forget about the satisfaction of self- accomplishment. So what happens when the child doesn’t behave, help, perform or get good grades? Will there be punishment? Punishment does not result in a child doing good. Punishment tells the child s/he has failed to please you and therefore punishment, in a child’s mind, becomes “I failed to please my mom and/or my dad.” What has the child learned?

Next time you’re tempted to reward/ or punish your child, consider, instead, saying things like:

• “I appreciate the initiative you took in helping me”,
• “I’m pleased with the hard work you’ve put into making good grades.”
• “I respect you for the choice you’ve made to stay out of trouble,”
• “Next time, think before you choose to act badly”,
• “It’s not like you to not give it your best, what’s going on?”

By describing your pleasure/or displeasure you’re teaching your child self-discipline and accountability. It’s priceless!