Indy Parent Help Blog

WE ARE ALL PRODUCTS OF PARENTS:
Life as we know it begins with PARENTS
PARENTS are raised by parents.
Celebrities, World Leaders, Heroes, Orphans, Step-children, Neighbors, Relatives- are all products of parents.
YOU, THEN, ARE THE INSPIRATIONAL ROADMAP TO RAISING TOMORROW’S PARENT:
You understand that a child is God’s gift to you, and how you raise your child is your gift to God.
You commit to the endless (though fleeting years) journey of raising your child.
You look inside yourself to make sure you are road worthy for your child’s journey.
You work out your kinks before & during your child’s journey, shifting gears when hitting dead-ends.
You are the wheels for taking your child on their life’s experiences.
You fuel the road you’ve chosen with your child, as an open road of communication.
You design the emotional course on the map, guiding your child through many choices.
You navigate the road map showing your child the souvenirs you want them to take from you.
You are the key on the emotional map to keeping your child from getting lost.
You are the legend on the map leaving symbols for your child to follow.
You are the pivotal compass on the map, pointing your child in non-discriminatory directions.
You are the benefactor of purpose in raising a decent child-during your endless journey.

THIS IS HOW YOU GET THERE:

• You put yourself in the drivers seat, aware of your child as an irreplaceable passenger
• You turn your inspirational key in the ignition – YOUR CHILD’S TRUST!
• You rev up your motor every day- remembering your importance to your child.
• You lock in your interest by noticing, describing and affirming your child’s choices.
• You look in the rear view mirror shifting gears reflectively-to see how your child mirrors you.
• You back up, when necessary, to talk to your child in a way you want to be spoken to.
• You shift into gear driving straight ahead-with peripheral vision- to see where you’re going with your child.
• You turn right at signs of where your child wants to go, checking your shock absorbers for consistency.
• You inspect your spark plugs at a cross-roads to your child’s self-worth, taking no emotional short-cuts.
• You steer your child to reasonable choices, re-fueling your energy when your gauge is running low.
• You point out, to your child, the potential danger signs on the road to bad choices.
• You set the limits on keeping your child out of harms way while, at the same time, accelerating your love.
• You stay the course you’ve designed for when they are in the drivers seat-parenting their own road map.

Have you noticed how children rarely, if ever, ask for reasons from us when they want to do something they know you’ll approve of? “Mom, can I stop watching TV now to do my homework?” or “Please, please, please Dad can I clean out the garage?” or “Mom, you just don’t understand. Can I please clean up my room before I go out?” I think it’s safe to say most of us would be bowled over if we had to come up with reasons why our children should not do anything they ask that would make our decision process easier. On the flip side, when a child asks permission to do anything, no reason in the world is going to make that child accept your “NO” decision. I always remember wishing my children didn’t want to do the things they were asking my permission for; not because I didn’t want them to venture out on their own, but rather because I was uncertain of whether or not they were up to handling the responsibility my permission would afford them. There was no clear answer to my uncertainty. Guiding them when they are young certainly helps them make better decisions for themselves, while hovering over them, trying to teach them responsibility, almost certainly causes them to become inter-dependent to a fault. I, like most of you, taught them the obvious; look both ways before crossing streets; don’t talk to strangers; call if you’re running late, etc. How then could I not have known to tell them “Don’t be sticking your tongue on a metal pole in the wintertime,” or “make sure you know the difference between drinking a glass of water or a glass of bleach”. I laugh about it now because those types of disciplinary events rarely came up in our daily ‘teaching’ conversations, yet actually happened. Which brings me to the point that you cannot always predict the outcome of your decisions nor can you anticipate what your children will do in any given situation. Therefore, I’ve created seven questions (from my 46yrs. of parenting along with my adaptation from Dr. John Rosemond’s 6 reasons to give children when having to say ‘no’) to ask yourself before responding to a child’s request to do something you’re not quite sure of. These are the only 7 questions you will ever need and, if you remember that any decision you make will be met with your child’s disbelief, you can pick any reason out of a hat and it won’t make a difference. Your child will, not likely, accept any decision that prohibits them from doing what they want to do. All the while your purpose is to manage and control your relationship with your child but not to control your child.

THESE ARE THE SEVEN QUESTIONS:
1. IS WHAT THEY ARE ASKING TO DO – AGE APPROPRIATE?
2. IS WHAT THEY ARE ASKING TO DO – SAFE?
3. IS WHAT THEY ARE ASKING TO DO – AFFORDABLE?
4. IS WHAT THEY ARE ASKING TO DO – TIMELY?
5. IS WHAT THEY ARE ASKING TO DO – REPUTABLE?
6. IS WHAT THEY ARE ASKING TO DO – WITH KIDS YOU APPROVE OF?
7. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AND AGREE WITH WHAT THEY ARE ASKING TO DO?

Answering YES to even one of the above questions will provide you with a comfortable barometer as to what will be in your child’s best interest and your peace of mind.

Answering NO to even one of the above questions is cause for you to re-think your response and reconcile your decision with your child.

Keep in mind, children have a natural curiosity to experiment. Curiosity is also, according to the researchers, a basic form of emotional intelligence (EQ). They will, most certainly, do many things without asking permission. But if you let them know what you consider to be seven reasonable reasons for doing things, they will definitely be aware of those things that you do not approve of, perhaps preventing them from getting into situations way over their heads. If you’ve kept their trust they will ask permission to satisfy their curiosity. If you are haphazard, inconsistent or respond to them for your own convenience they will, most likely, stop asking for permission and you’ll never know what they are choosing to do on their own.

Children come to you for permission out of respect and assurance that they are making good choices. When you deny their requests based on the above 7 questions you are letting them know that you have listened to their request, respect them for coming to you for permission and you re-assure them that there are better choices to be made for themselves.

Saying no to their request can be another way of saying yes to their self-worth which, ultimately, is the gold medal of parenting..

Verbal communication among children is fast becoming a lost art. Since the introduction of TV back in the ‘50’s to today’s technological age – verbal communication skills appear to be taking a back seat to literary skills. As one of the moderators at my parenting conference stated “The average 14 year old in 1950 had a verbal vocabulary of about 25,000 words. Today that same 14 yr. old has a verbal vocabulary of 8,000 words.” This unsubstantiated report suggests that we adults are becoming robotic figures to our children. The dinner hour, if we still have one, has dwindled down to a quick 15 minutes with little conversation and not fully attended, or a drive through with no communication other than “what do you want to eat?” An extended conversation might be “while you’re listening to the tunes on your ipod or text messaging your friend.”

The child barely looks up, making absolutely NO EYE CONTACT with the parent, fires off some unintelligible comment like “whatever” and that same parent expresses surprise when their child displays unsocial-like skills. We are not providing our children with any reason what-so-ever to develop verbal inter-action with peers, parents, relatives or educators when we allow our children to be consumed and obsessed with today’s electronic age.

In my Parent Talk classes the objective is to 1) get children to recognize and be held accountable to their feelings and actions through convincing communication by the adult; and 2) to help children develop a self-worth and feel a connection to their family through verbal communication that empowers them to trust their verbal communication skills.

Some examples of empowering communication:

• “It’s time for a family meeting. Let’s gather around the kitchen table.” (Anything goes)
• “Let’s set some goals for the coming year. What do we really want to accomplish as a family?” (Nothing is impossible)
• “Alice, how about you and I go for a walk? [Bike ride; drive] I haven’t had a chance to touch base with you for a while. (The child chooses the topic).
• “Let’s put that in our family history file. It’ll help us remember what we enjoyed doing together at this time in our lives”. (Everyone participates)
• “Joe, please turn off the TV now. It’s family time. (Play a game, read a book, etc.)
• “Let’s put a weekly schedule together of when is the best time in the evening for you to spend a minimum of 15 minutes of uninterrupted, individual, time with Mom or Dad.” (Focus on child’s interests)

In the early ages and through adolescents, the TV is the single most detrimental thorn to family solidarity. TV gradually graduates into Nintendo games, emails, instant messaging, text messaging, cell phones, and who knows what’s still in store for us. All this electronic age is wonderful but should not be at the expense of a child’s self-worth. Electronics does nothing to help a child understand who they are. Electronics does not respond to a child’s emotional needs. Electronics creates a technique on how to minimize one’s vocabulary thus minimizes verbal communication skills thus deteriorates social skills. I will give electronics a gold star for creating the most agile, flexible, strongest THUMBS in the world. But it’s not a “thumbs up” over a child’s self worth.