Indy Parent Help Blog

There are volumes written on how to raise a child yet very little, if anything, written on how to raise a parent. Yes, believe it or not, you are, most likely, raising tomorrow’s parent. Little has been written about how to raise a parent mostly because our own parental inheritances dictate our style of parenting, coupled with our partner’s parental inheritance blending the two to develop a decent human being. Even though we have diverse philosophies on raising children, we all understand treating others and being treated with decency is simply our greatest teaching goal.

I hope all who took the Parent Role Model Quiz found it enlightening. I’ve outlined another exercise for you to do; discovering your parenting inheritance. But first, some preliminary information leading up to the exercise. The question to consider is “What characteristics do you want your child/ren to have by the time they reach adult-hood (18yrs. and beyond)?” Those of you who have very young children might think it’s too far away for you to think about while others with older children might begin realizing the year’s fly by so quickly. In either case, the reality is that the child rearing years do fly by quickly before you discover you don’t get TODAY back with children. We can spend countless hours preparing business plans for our own futures yet, I venture to say, none of us have thought about a “parenting plan” for our children’s futures. I know my husband and I didn’t.

This exercise will help you determine your parental inheritance and where you want to take it with your own children. ***IMPORTANT NOTE: “Our parents were doing the best they could with the information, resources and support they inherited”. All we know as parents is how we were raised. Children do not come with a set of instructions. “Every generation of parents softens what they got for their children. If what we got was harsh, imagine what our parents got. We parent our children best when we can forgive, heal and not pass on hurts” Pam Leo-Connection Parenting..

{ For best results in a two-parent family, each of you is to do the exercise separately and then compare notes. For single parents, write up your lists to determine how you[ are and want to] raise your child/ren. Discuss the results openly with your child/ren to see if they agree. This can be a great opportunity for you all to connect or re-connect as a family}.

Begin:

• Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper.
• In the left column, write a list of what you want for your children. (anything (non-materialistic) that nurtures – unconditional love, encouragement, self-worth, or confidence, etc.)
• In the right column, write a list of what you don’t want for your children.(anything (non-materialistic) that hurts – yelling, spanking, etc.)
• When you’ve completed the two lists, put a check mark next to anything in the left (nurturing) column that you got as a child. Put a check mark next to anything in the right (hurtful) column that you got as a child.

“Which column has the most check marks? The nurturing you got will support you in providing what you want for your child/ren. Use the check-marked statements in the nurturing (left) column to begin a list of your parenting strengths. Begin a list of parenting challenges with the unchecked statements in the left (nurturing) column. The nurturing you did not get will be challenging to give. You need to learn actively how to do that kind of nurturing because you did not have a model of how to do that for your children.

The hurts you checked in the right (hurts) column are models you had of how to treat children. You don’t want to pass those hurts on to your children. Add the check-marked statements in the hurts column to your parenting challenges list. Where you have emotional hurts, you have emotional healing work to do. We are less likely to pass on our hurts once we bring them to surface”. [Exercise and some comments excerpted from: Connection Parenting author Pam Leo and modified by Becky Kapsalis]. Next week: TRUST-The forefront of emotional intelligence.

Last week I wrote about our parenting inheritance to the degree that we begin recognizing our own ‘emotional intelligences’ (E.I.) to benefit our understanding and expansion for our children’s E.I. We ALL have E.I. It’s a matter of tapping into our own resources (going within translates to never going without). Happily, E.I. is not gender specific, is non-discriminatory and is universal. E.I. is who you are. Simply put, as described by Joseph Clinton Pearce, author of Magical Child, emotional intelligence begins with breathing into our lungs, producing oxygen to our hearts and brains. (65% of the neuron cells in our brain are shared with our heart) creating an energy force expanding to 15’ beyond our physical bodies, which, ultimately, produces our emotions. Emotions are energy in motion becoming our thoughts and how we process energy into action. Albert Einstein wrote, “Nothing happens until something moves”. My interpretation of that as it pertains to emotion is that without putting thoughts/feelings in motion we are inert objects just pretending to ‘go through the motion’. Here then is what the researchers and experts have to say about the 1st emotion we are all born into. That emotion is TRUST.

From infancy to 18mos.old the first emotion [therefore E.I] our children are born into is TRUST
From 18 mos. to 3 yrs. that trust turns to the child’s family environment.
From 4-6 yrs. Children begin trusting themselves.
From 7 yrs on up children begin trusting the earth and outside surroundings.
From 8 yrs on up the child’s trust is forever expanding to the degree that their trusts have not been betrayed.

As parents, how do we keep from betraying their trust and, more importantly, expand their trust to achieve the infinite measure of Emotional Intelligence? It’s really not as difficult as it might sound. It’s a matter of your children feeling your trust. Lovingly holding, rocking, smiling, laughing, singing etc to them as much as possible reassures them, in their hearts, that you are their safe place. Respect their trust in that you, as their parent, will do the very best you can to see that their emotional development flourishes. We do this by showing them respect, providing them with choices, allowing them to experience what they are feeling, setting boundaries and limitations for their own well being, staying connected throughout their child development years, communicating with honesty and integrity; and by being the person you want your child to become. A very early definition of discipline comes from the word disciple-a joyful follower. Using discipline in this manner is a credit to your parenting skills. Nothing is left to chance when it begins with a basic trust. Trust yourself to know the trust your child depends on.

Dear Yiayia,
My husband and I tend to disagree on how to handle the ‘wants’ of our children. We have 3 children ages 2,4 & 7. Whether I am away or at home, their father tends to provide them with their ‘wants’ that they know I’ve already denied them. I realize that my husband, who is a loving husband and father, is not with the children as often as I am therefore has more of a desire to please the children when they are with him Am I being unreasonable to ask that he respect my wishes by not providing them with “wants” that I’ve already told them they can’t have? Bewildered Barb, Carmel

Dear Bewildered,
Not being a marriage counselor but as a Parent Coach I can give you some examples of the thought processes children have when parents vacillate. First and foremost, it’s critical that you both agree on how to separate the child’s ‘wants’ from their ‘needs’ and assure them you will, unequivocally, take care of their needs-health, food, shelter, clothing.

Having said that, I can tell you (and research has shown) that you can be creating a terrible disservice to the children by offering them the opportunity to play you both. You are potentially raising them to be whining, manipulative, self-serving, demanding children soon to be adults and maybe even parents. (reference my column on Parenting Inheritances 11/21/06). When one of you says no and the other says yes, guess what they are processing? Alfie Kohn said it best in his book ‘Unconditional Parenting’ when he said, “raising kids is not for wimps”. Children are learning machines. They absorb EVERY action/word of their parents and depending on how they process the data in their own minds determines the lessons they learn. Ask yourselves, are they playing you because they want your attention or do they know they can appeal to your guilt, or lack of patience? In any case, the message to them should be ‘we are united’. When a child’s emotional needs (remember E.Q) are met, and when shown fair and consistent examples, their wants tend to become less of an issue. Decide as a couple the absolute No-No’s and commit to sticking to your standards or decide as a couple that, regardless of what they ask for, you both agree it’s OK. The point being, discuss what you will or will not allow as a couple and engage the children in your lists. A fair and consistent response to a child is “I’ll discuss it with your (Mom)(Dad) and let you know shortly”. The child’s response might be “No, I need to know now. Please, please, please”! Whereupon you could say “If you need an immediate answer and I haven’t had a chance to talk it over with (Mom)(Dad) then the answer is NO!”

I realize there are a lot of gray areas on this ‘can I have?’ issue ranging from a piece of candy to the family car. Stay the course and your child will learn how to handle disappointment, respect your decisions and want to be just like you when s/he grows up. Happy Days!