Irate Father Syndrome • 05.04.09
Dear Yiayia,
At a recent youth sporting event, a Dad was, in my opinion, being unduly abusive, mentally and physically, to his 10/11 yr. old son. After shielding my own children from such unfair treatment, and after closing my mouth from astonishment, I wanted to confront the Dad and admonish him for treating his son so poorly. I was afraid to intervene. What would you have done to help the child?
–Helpless
Dear Helpless, I like the fact that you asked what I would have done to help the child. Your thinking of the child is, in my opinion, what really matters here. There are always lessons to be learned from even the worst case scenarios. In this case the lesson is how NOT to PARENT. Even though you appear to be the kind of parent that would never subject your children to that type of behavior, file it in the back of your mind for times when a child (other than your own) may be acting in a manner that you would not like and try to imagine that child as, perhaps, being abused. It might help you to talk to the child and ask him what causes him to be so hurtful to others. Let him know there are parents he can trust. “What would I do, you ask?”
My first thought would have been to grab the Dad by the collar and push him up against the wall, yelling at him “SHAME ON YOU””! This, of course would have fed right into his frenzy and I might have gotten some satisfaction but I wouldn’t be practicing what I preach and the child would not have benefited from my actions. Instead, if the opportunity presented itself (and this can be risky) I would hope I would have gone over to the child, asked him if I could give him a hug, and held him until all the hurt he felt inside surfaced so he didn’t carry that moment’s burden of disconnect and distrust to the next hurt. I would have, softly, suggested that his Dad “has issues that have probably nothing to do with you” but rather “how your Dad was brought up”. To the Dad I would have asked “What is it you’re trying to accomplish?” “How much disrespect have you been given over the years to treat another human being (in this case your son) with such disrespect.?” And what can you do from this point on to EARN your sons trust again?”
The child is not the problem! Regardless of what the child did, there’s never a reason to treat a child as moronic and verbally abusive as that Dad allegedly did. If that Dad is reading this column (which I doubt) or if anyone knows of such a Dad, please let them know that “parenting isn’t for wimps or bullies”. We are the most important people in the world to our children in spite, in this case, of how badly they might be treated. They deserve only the best of what we have to give them. However, if this is that Dad’s best, then I strongly suggest he get self-discovery counseling to stop the cycle of abuse from going into the next generation, an almost guarantee.
And finally I would have said to the Dad, “Be grateful for being blessed with a child. Get some professional help so your son stands a chance of being raised and growing up to be a loving Dad”.
Yiayia
