Indy Parent Help Blog

A couple of years ago I wrote an article listing the only seven reasons needed to respond to our kid’s persistent queries of “CAN I (DO/GO)?” knowing full well, if our decision is ‘no’, it would immediately be followed by ‘Wwwhhhyyyy Not? I hope to take the mystery out of the ‘why not’ part by providing you with the only seven reasons you’ll ever need to give your kids. They are:

1. It’s Not Age Appropriate!
2. It’s Not Safe!
3. It’s Not Affordable!
4. It’s Not the Best Time!
5. It’s Not Honest, Reliable or Respectable!
6. It’s Not Part of our Value System!
7. It’s Not How Our Family Does Things!

It’s important to note that we’re responding to the request, not the child so that the child understands that our decision is based on what we believe to be in their best interest-nothing personal.

On the other hand, because children are instinctively self-effacing, the below responses are what you DO NOT want to say since it might translate personally invoking a negative perception of themselves.

1. ‘You’re not old enough or you’re too young’ translates into……. “I’m a baby.”
2. ‘You’re dangerous’ translates into…. “I’m a menace.”
3. ‘We can’t afford it’ translates into….. “I’m poor.”
4. ‘We don’t have time for this’ translates into…. “I’m not important.”
5. ‘You’re lying, unreliable or disrespectful’ translates into….. “I’m Worthless”
6. ‘We don’t like your friends’ translates into………. “You don’t like me.”
7. ‘You’re not thinking of the family’ translates into…….. “I’m selfish.”

Sometimes we rack our brains trying to come up with a ‘do no harm’ response. When applicable refer to the non-personal reasons list, find the appropriate response and know that you’re not saying ‘no’ for ‘no’s” sake. You’re saying ‘no’ because you know your child needs limits; plus it helps them save face in front of their peers. “My parents won’t let me,” makes us the scapegoats and removes any peer pressure. Hugs!

A young father recently approached me to ask how to handle the parents of kids whose value systems differ from his and his wife’s. He gave the example of neighbors who allow their 8 year old to have sleep-over’s and then let the children run around outside at 10:30 pm.

Sleepover’s is but one example of different family value systems. We want our kids to be liked by their peers; but do we want our kids to be liked at the expense of our own values? When we go along with standards that might be against our own to keep our kids from being ostracized we are compromising our family values. We are teaching our children to compromise their own values. We often wish our kids weren’t asked to participate in something we really don’t have any concrete reason to deny them other than we’re not comfortable with it. That being the case, build relationships with the parents of your kids’ friends who share your same core values before having to decide.

Our kids will be exposed to a variety of parenting/authoritative styles that differ from our own. Our parenting effectiveness will always be based on sticking to our own family values. Rather than deny the child from going to a sleep-over, host a sleep-over of your own for your child, observe the behavior of the kids who are spending the night. Kids mirror their parents. You’ll be in a better position to determine which family you want, or do not want, your child to spend the night with.

Before giving your child permission to participate in various invitations i.e. shopping at the mall, going to the movies, boy-girl parties, sleep-over’s, etc. learn what the parent’s involvement will be. Find parents who share your values. Role model your family values to your child and avoid succumbing to ‘parental pressures’ from those whose values you do not share.

“Doing what’s popular is not always right and doing what’s right is not always popular. “ –Anonymous

Hugs!

Simply put…..we don’t! But the mere fact that we ask ourselves this question tells us we’re on the right track. The question begs us to be looking for various approaches to our parenting style. If we feel we’re being too harsh on our kids, we probably are; if we feel guilty for not paying more attention to our kids, we’re probably guilty. The good news is, whatever we are feeling gives us the perspective to either continue doing what works (good feeling) or change our approach on attitudes that aren’t working (crummy feeling).

This is where our Emotional Intelligence (EQ) kicks in. When we recognize in our children their natural “curiosity; imaginativeness; playfulness; open-mindedness; willingness to experiment; flexibility; humor; energy; receptiveness to new ideas; honesty; eagerness to learn; and perhaps the post pervasive and most valuable of all, the need to love”; (Magical Parent Magical Child) when we recognize these qualities in our children- we affirm them within ourselves. Recognizing that our kids are showing these qualities all day every day of their childhood years is a straight path to knowing the kind of job we’re doing and restates our, and our child’s, EQ.

Be curious; use your imagination; be playful; open-minded; willing to experiment; flexible; humorous; energetic; receptive to new ideas; honest; eager to learn; and love. Children don’t have an exclusive on these qualities. These, too, are available to us on a daily basis. Just because we’re adults, we needn’t be stymied by pre-conditioned external perceptions. We would do well to learn from our children’s natural state of being; questions such as “Why not?” “What is it?” “How does this work?” “What’s it for?” might be well served if we asked them “Why?” “Why Not?” “”How can you make it work?” “What’s the plan?” for our own natural state of being. And then, give yourselves a pat on the back for a job well done! Hugs!