Indy Parent Help Blog

With more than one child in a family it can become a common practice for parents to compare one child with the other. While the comparison is usually in a positive frame (“Ask your brother for help with your math. He’s good at it”) it is, none the less, an implied comparison suggesting that one child is better than the other. To the child, it makes no difference what the comparison is about. It sends the message that his brother is better than him. It is incumbent on our part to treat each child in a manner that applies to their particular uniqueness. Words of encouragement can be applied to them without making comparisons. From the S.T.E.P. Parents Handbook the following words are suggestions for effectively recognizing their individuality. Applying these suggested words to the individual child lets them know you are not making comparisons.

Words that say “I accept you” – “It’s nice that you enjoy learning”; “You did your best-that’s all anyone can do”; “I can tell you’re pleased about it”;

Words that say “I know you can” – “You’re making progress”; “I need your help fixing this”; “You’ll figure it out”;

Words that say “I see that you are working and improving” – “Look at the progress you’ve made” ”You worked hard on that and it shows”; “You may not feel you reached your goal, but look how far you’ve come”;

Words that say “I appreciate you” – “Thanks. That was a big help”; “I needed your help and you came through”; “I appreciate your thoughtfulness”;

You know your child better than anyone. You can customize the above words to fit a particular child by simply adding a specific word or program that your child is working on at the time. Example: “You’re making progress on your history project” lets the child know you are speaking directly to him/her in the grand scheme of individual recognition.

Setting and using consequences with teenagers can be both infuriating and combative. There are few instances where the consequences we set on them are accepted without an emotional struggle. Some guidelines to consider when using consequences are:

1. Offer choices.
2. Follow Through
3. Be fair, firm and consistent.
4. Talk less, act more, avoid lecturing.
5. Avoid fighting back or giving in.
6. Use Respectful words.
7. Set house rules.
8. Make it clear when there isn’t a choice.
9. Recognize Positive Behavior
10. Avoid external validations or worrying about what others may think.
11. Stay Calm. Avoid over-reacting to perceived threats.
12. Be Patient. All things worthwhile are worth waiting for.

Use logical consequences that fit the misbehavior. “You’re a half hour past your curfew. Next time your curfew is a half-hour earlier. No discussion.”

 “The consequence for using inappropriate language or showing anger is my lack of respect for your voice right now. You may not go out with your friends until you speak to me and act in a civilized manner. You decide.”

“Treating your family with disrespect and irreverence sets the consequence stage for a mandatory family meeting which you will conduct or you won’t get the car.”

“Breaking house rules results in house arrest. Depending on the severity of the broken rule, the consequences of house arrest are determined by obeying every house rule before being allowed out of the house except for school and work.”

Teenagers do not want to be judged, evaluated or compared. They also do not want to disappoint. When they are backed into a corner or not cared for, they will seek attention, engage in power struggles, seek revenge or look for pity. Anything they can do to maintain their self-respect becomes the focus of their dissent. It is incumbent on us parents to treat them with the respect they deserve while at the same time helping them establish a sense of personal accountability through appropriate consequences.

“You can lead a child to water but you can’t make him drink” so it is our job is to create their thirst. The thirst, in this case, is providing them with opportunities to drink from the fountain of academic success.

1. Encourage exercise to help your child’s mind to be strong and alert.
2. Begin their school day with a dose of healthy self-worth through encouragement. Encouraged children like themselves and want to learn to be successful in school.
3. Avoid rewards and punishment. Some parents punish their children for low grades. Punishment does not help children learn to be responsible. Grounding a teenager or taking away TV privileges creates power struggles, not cooperation. Some parents pay their children to reward them for good grades. If children expect money for good grades, they may focus on the money, not the learning. In either case whether it’s rewards or punishment, the child is denied the opportunity to accept consequences for their failure nor take the credit for his or her own successes.
4. Show interest and be available during homework time. Be there to answer questions or research material. If the subject is politics, show interest by discussing politics; if the subject is astronomy, study some constellations in the night sky together.
5. Give limits and choices about when to get the homework done.
6. Attend all Parent/Teacher conferences.
7. Ask open questions: “What was the best part of your day?” “What was the worst part of your day?” And then listen, listen, listen to show you are paying attention to their feelings and understand their concerns.

Success in school begins with a thirst for knowledge. Knowledge is a waterfall for successful learning.. Hugs!

 Source: Strategic Training For Effective Parenting