Indy Parent Help Blog

The Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) handbook suggests there are four ways to help our children choose better behavior:

1. Use Reflective Listening
2. Use I-Messages
3. Explore Alternatives
4. Give Choices

Which approach to use depends on the circumstance. Sometimes we will need only one. Other times we will need to use all four approaches. Take, for example, Sammy age 11, who leaves a trail of messes everywhere in the house. The I-message approach is “When things aren’t picked up, I feel frustrated because I like our home to be a pleasant place.” Sammy might reply “I know. I’m sorry. I’ll do better.” “Good. Thank You.” That night Sammy dutifully picks up after himself only to fall back into his bad habit the next day.

Since the problem belongs to Sammy, the reflective listening approach applies. Sammy, angrily asks “Why does everything have to be perfect around here?” Mom says “You’re angry because you think I’m unreasonable about wanting a neat house?” “Yeah. I like it when things are kind of messy. It’s my house too.” Using exploring alternatives mom says “Sammy, when our agreements aren’t kept, I feel like I don’t count around here.” Exploring alternatives includes the child in the solution. “What do you think we can do to satisfy our comfort levels?” They agree that mom would not nag as long as the living room, bathroom and kitchen were neat and Sammy could keep his own room as messy as he liked. They tested the plan for a week.

One week later the living room was a mess. So mom used the giving choices approach. “You can pick up as we agreed or I’ll pick up and keep the things I find that are important to you until you’re ready to pick up after yourself. You decide.”

Keeping to the choice is keeping to our word. It will take time and practice, but our word becomes our bond. Hugs!

My daughter and son-in-law went away for a few days to celebrate their wedding anniversary. My husband and I had the privilege of staying with their 4 children. The youngest is in all-day kindergarten.

During dinner, we had the kids report, individually, what the best part of their day was in school and what the worst part was. Each one of them gave their rendition of the best and the worst. When it came to our kindergartner he reported that the best part of his day was recess and the worst part of his day was that he had to flip his card to yellow! YIKES! His older brother, having been there last year, frantically chimed in and said “Don’t worry YiaYia…it’s just a warning. ”

It appears that the teacher, in order to maintain a sense of behavioral accountability, has assigned each student three cards on a flip book. Green is good behavior; yellow is a warning; and red is….well you can imagine.

Now when our little guy was asked if he knew what ‘flipping a yellow’ meant he replied ‘Yes’ and that he would try to do better next time. “Awesome…lesson learned” or so we thought.

The next night we went around the dinner table again and once again we came to the little guy. “The best part of my day was recess; the worst part was that I flipped a yellow again YiaYia.”

I very dramatically said “this is unacceptable’ at which time he responded with “it’s okay Yiayia, the cards turn to green every night.” I had to laugh and then I thought ‘How profound’ He sees every new day as a chance to start over and stay on green. His mom told me that he has been getting green turtles (good) almost every day since then.

We would all do well to end our day with the knowledge that ‘tomorrow’ we get to start over ‘on green’; as in new beginnings, second chances and fresh starts. Stay on Green! Thanks Evan. Hugs!

Coming home from my mother’s funeral I remember the empty pit in my stomach; the realization that my personal backstop was gone and I was now in limbo. I would always be my mother’s child but now I am alone in being my children’s mother. Playing on the radio was a song by Perry Como with the lyrics “The grass keeps right on growing, the sun keeps right on shining…there are apples on the apple tree. Ain’t life a funny thing, flowers bloom and birds still sing an’ everything’s the same except for me.”

Recently I was at a funeral of a friend who left a wife and three young children and I could only imagine what they must be feeling – especially the children, which brings me to the point of this column. We can only imagine!

How can we even begin to know what their young minds are processing? Are they wondering why the world hasn’t stopped; are they frightened that they may lose the other parent; are they angry because ‘everything’s the same except for me?’ I do know one thing for sure. All their feelings must surface. We mustn’t discourage their feelings from surfacing by suggesting we know what they are feeling. We really don’t know. Or, at the very least, we really don’t know how they are processing their feelings. We can help them understand what they are feeling by including them in the five processes of grief by acknowledging they will experience (per Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) 1) Denial and Isolation; 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression and 5) Acceptance.

We can let them tell us that ‘nothing will ever be the same especially for me’ even though the grass keeps right on growing… the sun keeps right on shining… there are apples on the apple tree. Hugs!