Indy Parent Help Blog

If, as I believe, there is no such thing as a bad seed (child) I ask myself how then do we grow so many bad apples? Could it be the growing process?

In order to produce the near perfect child (as we do with apples) we inject them with pesticides of superficial rewards for the sake of making the child feel good about themselves; we spray them (as we do with apples) with insecticides to praise and protect them from emotional hurts; we fill them with chemicals (as we do with apples) to alter the natural order of the growing process in the name of building their self-esteem.

Self-esteem as opposed to self-worth is a fickle emotion. When things are going well, self-esteem peaks; when things are not going well, self-esteem can hit rock bottom. For example, a child may get a good grade in Math and feel highly self-esteemed and then the next day play poorly on the team and self-esteem plunges creating an emotional roller coaster effect. When, as in the apples, we over correct the natural growing process to build our child’s self-esteem, we are, often, having them place their self-worth on the back burner.

Dan Johnston-Lessons for Living- states “Self-worth is what you are born with. You can never lose it but you can lose sight of it as you grow, becoming influenced by culture, society or environment, forgetting your inherent value.” Self-esteem is the influence of culture, society or environment, building a sense of entitlement. Bernie Madoff has high self-esteem.

Self-worth has deep seeded value; a sustaining value of emotional balance, stability, confidence, commitment, loyalty and assertiveness. Warren Buffet has self-worth.

We bring out our child’s self-worth by building on our own. When we live a life of balance, stability, confidence, commitment, loyalty and assertiveness, we are building a life of value leaving an inheritance and legacy of self-worth to our children and grandchildren. Hugs!

A-M-B-E-R K-R-I-E-C-H.

Amber Kriech is a 14-year old Carmel H.S. student who embodies all the qualities young, self-motivated, caring teen-agers are made of. Granted receiving the Prudential Spirit of Community Award, the Colt’s All Star Student Award and the recent Children’s Museum Power of Children Award are noteworthy accomplishments, they are, none the less, not what motivates Amber.

According to her mom Sharon, Amber has been exposed to the spirit of giving from a very young age. Her dad Ken and Sharon are, themselves, kindred spirits when it comes to helping others. They introduced Amber to church and community experiences. So much so that it became second nature to Amber to dedicate herself to making a difference. The project she chose to earn for her Girl Scout Silver Badge and ultimately her ‘Power of Children Award’ was to create and build a library at the East 10th Street United Methodist Youth Center. After four months of building bookcases, filling the shelves with donated books (with the help of friends); Amber has left her legacy on kids who may otherwise never have a chance to know another world exists outside their environment. A wise man once wrote “Every society is judged by how it treats it’s least fortunate amongst them.”

I’m always curious to know what parents do to motivate their children to become the best version of themselves. I asked Sharon what she believes she and her husband Ken have done to influence Amber in such a positive way. “We noticed early on, when Amber chose to sing in the church choir at age 4, she enjoyed being a Good Samaritan. From that point on we encouraged her to participate in as many volunteer opportunities as she chose seeing, first hand, where there was a need. We noticed her self-confidence and self-worth building with each accomplished deed” explained Sharon. Here’s to kid power through the power of parents. Hugs!

Chick Moorman of ‘Parent Talk’ Systems http://www.chickmoorman.com/ states ‘Don’t Doesn’t Work’. If our objective is to teach our kids how to behave appropriately, we do our best work when we use words to affect appropriate behavior. Using the word ‘don’t’ does not influence the behavior we want to promote. Research has shown, and evidence has proven, that most kids respond to the phrase that follows the word ‘don’t.’ For example: When we say ‘Don’t raise your voice’ our kids hear the action words after the ‘don’t’. When we say ‘Don’t do it’, the child processes the ‘do it’ part of the phrase. Kids do not hear the word ‘don’t’. ‘Just say no’ is more instructive than ‘Don’t do drugs’ Consider this – Don’t think of a blue elephant. For most of us the image we put in our minds is what? – a blue elephant!

By eliminating the word ‘don’t’ and substituting the words ‘next time’ we are empowering our kids to give thought to their behavior and positive behavior. ‘Next time’ infers that the incident of behavior will occur again. We know that kids are creatures of recurrences. That’s why it’s important for us to be consistent in teaching our kids how we want them to behave. “Next time take your muddy shoes off in the garage,” instead of ‘Don’t drag your muddy shoes in the house.’ Remember, the words we use on our kids will determine the outcome of what we want to accomplish. In the case of imminent danger – shout ‘STOP’ instead of ‘don’t’, as in ‘STOP’ when a child is reaching for an electrical outlet; not ‘don’t touch that.’

Try this exercise this week: Write down, on a piece of paper, every time you catch yourself using ‘don’t’ at the beginning of your instructions. Then go over them substituting the words ‘next time’ completing the sentence with the behavior you’d like to promote. Next time use what works. Hugs!