New beginnings. New clothes, new schools(maybe), new teachers, new school supplies. We scramble around these last few days of summer making sure our kids are well prepared for school. The day of, we make sure the hair is combed, teeth are brushed and the kids are on time. This, often, becomes second nature for us. We send them off with the knowledge that they will have the best opportunity to learn given we have purchased the supplies they need to succeed.

Sounds easy enough -but have we really prepared them to thrive? Have we provided them with the emotional encouragement to persevere, the confidence to know they can, the willingness to co-operate, the attitude of respect, and, finally, the spirit to accept themselves for who they are – and the kind of student they are capable of being? How can we know if we’ve accomplished these things?

We can tell if they will be motivated to learn if we’ve taught them to be self-motivated. Giving them enough time in the morning to prepare for the day means they’ve gotten enough sleep. Having them get their clothes ready from the night before gives them more time to eat a good breakfast. At the very least we owe it to our kids to send them to their teachers on time and prepared to learn.

You’ve heard the expression “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” and, as it applies to kids, it becomes our responsibility to create the thirst. We do this by opening up their minds at home. We ask curious questions. We help them find answers to their curious questions. We give them choices. We role model. We include them in on family decisions. We do these things and more so that when they are in school and out of their comfort zone it becomes second nature for them to choose to drink from the trough therby quenching their own thirsts.

These,too,are school supplies. Hugs!

Awareness is the first step in correcting emotional abuses.  We are perpetrators of emotional child abuse if we:

• Make a child feel unimportant or undeserving of respect by belittling them.
• Respond in opposition to a child’s comments and continually point out errors and mistakes.
• Find fault, are dismissive, make rude remarks in a joking, often sarcastic way, creating emotional put-downs.
• Tease, harass or ridicule our children.
• Refuse to provide emotional support, share information or otherwise not allow the child to participate in family matters.
• Shift the blame –scapegoat–to make our child take the blame for others.
• Criticize, correct and are relentlessly finding fault.
• Intimidate through words or actions that threaten harm or loss of something important to our child.
• Express criticism or disapproval of them through name-calling tactics.
• Lash out angrily by yelling, screaming, or issue demands.

If we see ourselves displaying any of the above, it becomes imperative that we notice what we are doing so that we, and our children, have the chance to overcome any emotional abuses of parental inheritances.  It’s never too early or too late to affect the change needed to offer emotional stability to our most precious commodities. If any of the above mentioned emotional abuses are intentional, seek professional help.  Our children deserve the right to a life of emotional security and freedom.  Hugs! Source: www.focusas.com

I’ll bet you didn’t realize you’re children were learning patience while you were living patience.  Our kids live with our patience every day.  Consider the fact that in the course of raising children we have the ability to endure waiting (doctor’s visits come to mind); we endure delays (getting homework done on time); we endure provocation (sibling rivalries) without getting annoyed or upset – hmmmmm – we may have to rethink this one-but I know we persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.  See, in a course of one day, you’ve exercised patience without knowing it.  I think it’s time you recognize your patience so you can take credit for having it. 

Patience is not about letting our kids get away with any behavior we find unacceptable.  Patience is persevering calmly in spite of temper tantrums, backtalk, hitting, spitting, bullying, cursing, and any generally poor behavior.  Patience does not include power struggles or egocentric behavior.   Patience sets in when we realize that we do not own the above mentioned behaviors. They belong to the perpetrator.  Patience does not blame, accuse, excuse, manipulate, judge, evaluate or compare.  Patience endures!  Patience perseveres!  Patience is not gender specific and does not discriminate.

The ability to endure waiting is, probably, the greatest evidence of a patient parent.  Waiting for the school bus to pick up and deliver our children; waiting in checkout lanes in the grocery store to see our kids are fed properly; waiting for our kids to get to and from extracurricular activities.  See yourself in any of these ‘patient’ driven activities?  How you handle your patience is what you are teaching your kids.  Patience is a learned virtue.  Hugs!

“You can pick up your room now or before you go out. You decide?”
NOT: (Clean up your room or else?) Room will be picked up and child learns self-motivation.

“Do you want to have a party for six or have two friends sleep over?”
(NOT: How many kids do you want to invite?) Party is kept to what you feel is reasonable and child learns to set limits.

“When you figure out what you’ll do differently, we can talk about your using the car again.”
(NOT: You’re grounded from using the car.) Take driving seriously and child learns to think skillfully.

“When you choose not to respond to me the first time I ask, you’re telling me ‘what’?”
(NOT: How many times do I have to tell you?) Take cooperative initiative and child learns to share control.

“I’m more upset with your lie than I am with what you’ve done.”
(NOT: Don’t lie to me.) Child feels remorseful and learns to be trustworthy.

“I noticed you voluntarily chose to help your Dad shovel the driveway. Thanks.”
(NOT: I’m proud of you.) Driveway gets shoveled and child learns to experience self-worth.
Be firm, fair and consistent. Implement your coming attractions. Hugs!

When I hear gossip, my first thought is “how is knowing this going to help me be a friend to the person being talked about?”  Almost always, the gossiper is talking behind that person’s back.  More often than not, the message being given is not of a positive nature. My second thought is “what is this gossip going to accomplish?”  The answer to my thoughts is..”NOTHING is being gained unless you consider hurting someone’s feelings as gainful.

My recommendation to my granddaughter and her girlfriends is that, unless there is clear and present danger in what is being gossiped or if what is being said is factually true (in which case it isn’t gossip) she stand her ground and ask ‘what are you trying to accomplish by spreading these rumors?”  or “what purpose does this gossip serve?”   More than likely she will be frowned upon by her peers in the short term, but the long term character development benefits to her are immeasurable.

If you find yourself spreading gossip, ask yourself “what is it I’m trying to accomplish by spreading  this”;  and “what purpose is this serving?”  If we find our children (boys included) telling tales about other kids, parents, or teachers, it is paramount that we do not get pulled into their emotional instability and remind them that gossip and rumors are, most likely, intended to do harm to another person.  Is that their intent?   Hugs!

• Activity level-The amount of physical motion in your child’s behavior (e.g. during sleep, eating, play, dressing, bathing, etc). i.e. running to get where he/she wants to go.
• Adaptability-the degree of ease or difficulty your child adjusts to change or a new situation.  .
• Approach or Withdrawal: the way your child initially responds to new situations-people, events, places, toys, foods, etc.  i.e. rapid and bold (outgoing) or slow and hesitant(shy).
• Distractibility: the level of distress your child experiences when asked to work for long periods or beyond his/her capabilities.
• Threshold of Responsiveness-the amount of stimulation (e.g. sounds, light, taste, smell or feel) required to evoke an inexplicable response
• Intensity of Reaction: the energy level with which your child responds to a situation (whether negative or positive)-
• Quality of Mood-The extent of positive or negative emotion (mood) in various situations
• Attention Span/ Persistence-the length of time during which your child pursues a particular activity (attention span) and the ability to continue the activity in the face of distractions (persistence).
• Regularity (rhythmicity)-The regularity of physiologic functions (sleep, hunger and elimination).  i.e. Your child spontaneously wakes up at the usual time on weekends and holidays.

These innate characteristics have little to do with your own parenting skills but by being aware of them, you can better understand and appreciate your child’s uniqueness and deal with problems of poor ‘fit’ that may lead to misunderstandings  and conflicts at home, at school or at play. The behavioral adjustment of a school-age child depends a lot on the interaction between his/her temperament and yours. www.healthychildren.org

Hugs!

The stone…….after the throw!

The word…….after it is said!

The occasion……after the loss!

The time…….after it is gone!

Going forward into the New Year and beyond, remembering what we cannot recover, especially with our children, gives us plenty to contemplate and aspire to.  My interpretation of the four non-recoverable aspects of our lives as it pertains to our families are:

The stone, once thrown, symbolizes today with our children, make the best of what we don’t get back.

The word, once said, needs to be a kind and good word for our children to perpetuate.

The occasion, after the loss, represents those times we need help in deciding ‘should I or shouldn’t I go.”

The time, after it’s gone, helps us realize our time well spent is time with family- establishing cohesion and connection.

Following our conscience  and being aware of the four things we cannot recover, dilutes our feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, fearful or doubtful, opening every door of opportunity empowering us to empower our children to follow their conscience.  When we practice just one of these unrecoverable acts one at a time per week, until, by osmosis, they become integral parts of our lives, we will accomplish the Happiest of New Year’s.  From the Kapsalis and Miller families, we send you Hugs and Happy New Year Blessings!

We are taught a religion but without a heartbeat we cannot learn. We choose to live a religious life but without a heart we cannot choose.  It is not the intention of our divine influences to divide us, cause wars, pit one religion over another.  It is, as I believe, the intent to live amongst one another in peace, teaching our children to believe there comes a greater good from our spiritual influences and that fighting the forces of evil (notice the word evil in devil) as we know exists, is to place spirituality at a higher level for goodness to prevail.

In wishing you a Merry Christmas, I am sharing my heart and my spirit of peace and love with you above and beyond what my religion has taught me.  I believe we are of one God, one Universe, one heart, one spirit for justice, peace, freedom and love.  May your heart reflect the love, peace and joy of your religious teachings during this spiritual season and throughout the New Year! Merry Christmas!

 Hugs!

Growing up in my family was not about how little or how much we had.  It was about what we were taught to value.    We devoted our lives to God, Country and Family.  We learned to value our reputation through honor, honesty, loyalty, humility and morality.  We learned how to persevere when faced with adverse conditions.   We learned to support each other, our friends and our neighbors.  We believed we were decent people because we were appreciated and we appreciated others.   Did we make mistakes? Plenty!  Did we own up to our mistakes?  We had no choice.  Our consequences were how our mistakes de-valued us.  That hurt more than any punishment my parents could have bestowed on us. 

What makes this significant is that I don’t believe my Mom or Dad knew they were teaching us these values.  They simply lived by them and held us accountable to them; if I came home and told my mom “I hate my friend Judy” by mom would ask me to describe how being ‘hateful’ made me feel?  I also don’t believe I knew I was learning these values until I became a parent, hopefully perpetuating these values on my own children.

Today, when we strive to give our children better lives than what we had we must consider whether or not we are living by the values we want them to learn.  Circumstances, environments, technology, education and events can put us in a constant state of flux while the one real constant in our life and our children’s life, is a life with value.   The old saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same” is worth reflecting on.  Values don’t change.  They merely call on us to live by them so that our children can have more of the same.  Hugs!