Parent and Child Behavior Coach Becky Kapsalis

What do I do when my Teenager says....... 

 "I HATE YOU MOM!"

 These are piercing, hurtful words at any time but, especially hurtful when hurled at us by our kids. We would be fooling ourselves, if even our most mild mannered child didn't feel this way about us at some point during the developmental years .What's a parent to do when their teen resorts to verbal abuse?

For starters, RESPOND by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" . - Avoid  REACTING by NOT saying "Don't you dare talk to me that way."

.Responding puts the feeling/behavior square on the back of your teen where it belongs.  Reacting puts you in a defensive mode and square in the middle of his/her rage.  Even though you may have denied your teen something s/he wanted to do and they may feel you've morally squashed them, no one, least of all you, deserves to be spoken to in that manner.

But let me give you a different perspective. After years of speaking to teen-agers (including teens in juvenile detention centers) who claim they hate their parents what they say and what they feel are two separate issues.  For example, they say they hate you-but what they really hate is the feeling of being suppressed/controlled diminishing their value, in your eyes. . 

There are approaches you can take to lessen the rage that precedes the angry words., beginning by communicating to them without coercion. We suppress our children’s feelings when we try to control,force,order, threaten, punish or frighten them into submissive obedience. It's safe to say that most teenagers struggle emotionally with who they are and where they fit in.  Parents can be a threat to their emotional independence.  

I believe that this anger doesn't suddenly appear when kids become teenagers ,although there might be     circumstances that lead us to believe to the contrary.  Kid's tend to give  clues into their behavior patterns well before they reach adolescence.  However, their emotional  hypersensitivity seems to peak during puberty.  It's up to you, the parent, to allow your teen ALL non-violent forms of expression. Walk away from power struggles. Hold your ground, in a non-combatant voice, if you believe your decision is based on keeping your teen safe and healthy. Ask them if their verbal rage is to get revenge, attention, power or are they simply feeling inadequate. Tell them you'll talk to them once they are in control of their anger.  Give them appropriate consequences-not punishment-if they disobey and,  in fairness to your teen, be willing to adjust your stance to reflect that you love him/her unconditionally.  You, in turn, may hate their beligerence ...but you don't hate them.

Finally, I've learned and have experienced, in the long term, you are the most important person in the world to your kids. You're the adults they know best.. You're their example.  You're their backstop. You're their safe place.  They love you in spite of what they say and you hear..
Hugs!

Becky 

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